 By Laurel Elders
As I look back at me in kindergarten, I'm amazed. I was the only one in a corner playing the 80s version of Qubits all by myself. I looked at the other kids with longing but never felt like I fit in. I was more than shy—I was painfully shy. How can the me now, who teaches, advocates for equity, speaks up, coaches, takes a stand for positive impact, and holds workshops, be the same person? That kindergartener is the paradox. She was me, but not yet me. She was the underdeveloped me, the potential of me. The mentor and coach who had the most prominent positive impact on my life was Sandy Hogan. Sandy was like listening to an integration of Ghandi, Oprah, and Dr Phil. The ideas she shared with me as she mentored me into "the potential of me" were some of the most profound insights I'd ever come across. And, as a Five (Investigator) on the Enneagram who had been researching insights on human potential since my obsession burst open at the age of 15, locating new insights was like being a kid with a bag of replenishable candy. I loved the quips that spontaneously erupted every time she was asked a question. Before she passed away, I had the honor of helping take care of her. This led to an invitation to interview her one last time. That is how our relationship started. A colleague and I would buy her lunch in exchange for asking her anything we wanted to about coaching (we were new coaches back then). I gladly accepted the opportunity to ask Sandy to share more glowing wisdom in hopes of capturing as many Sandy-quips as possible. One of these days, we discussed the concept of coaching and callings. Her first response to callings cracked me up. She said, "When your calling calls, don't hang up!" How many of us hang up the phone on our "potential me"? Is it too scary? How can we trust what is on the other side of "me as potential"? Sandy also shared with me, "People come to coaching when something inside of them is ready to awaken. Sometimes, they know exactly what this "something" is. Other times, it is an inkling or felt sense that something greater is burgeoning." I discovered coaching in 2005. Since then, I have found that Sandy's sentiments carry great validity. People come to coaching, either as a client or as a student (many times both), when the burgeoning is getting stronger, and they step into the courage to follow it. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When the student is truly ready, the teacher will disappear." - Lao Tzu There comes a time when we must self-discover, self-trust, and self-empower ourselves into our greatness. This is where coaching takes us—deeper into the "potential me" that exists as a possibility for my unique greatness. Coaching is a roadmap to answering the Spiritual phone for our inner callings and inviting others to answer theirs. I'm curious what Sandy's ideas spark within you. What have you been putting off that you now are ready to invest time in and trust? What within you is ready to awaken? Will you pick up the phone call from your "potential you"?
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 Every human being is born with an inheritance. We inherit a body and an inner landscape. Our inner landscape is comprised of our gifts, values, virtues, purpose, and inner possibilities.
To fully understand the gift of our inheritances, I've found it helpful to look through the lens of self-identity and integration. Our self-identity can either anchor us or destroy us. It can empower us or deplete us. It can grow us or wither us. In this article, I'll outline a pathway to self-identity through the lens of Integrative Intelligence®. Consider the inner landscape. Metaphorically speaking, when we are born, our landscape is untarnished, ready to be cultivated, and fertile with growth potential. Then as we grow, we eventually we have our first wounding. This wounding is the first time the ego forms to protect us. The ego's premise becomes, "I'm separate from others. I can be hurt. I will ensure to not get hurt again." The ego incidentally through its protective measures covers our essence. If not brought to self-awareness, this protective layer becomes like weeds on our landscape. For some of us, the weeds even take over, and our truth is hidden beneath. Another way we experience the ego's reaction to wounding is by generating stories in an attempt to expand our protective layers and prevent further pain. One story I carried with me for years was, "I'm missing something everyone else on this planet was born with." This story was an extension of a wound. It kept me from engaging or rocking the boat because it was safer to withdraw. Another story was, "Adults hurt you and are not trustworthy." Another wound extension. While defenses serve us in the moment and sometimes beyond, they can quickly generate stories, easily fracturing off into further limiting beliefs. If left unhealed, this process can leave us feeling a million miles away from our wholeness. The ego's fears and defenses become like weeds covering the landscape of our soul, essence, and wholeness. The egoic process ironically also leaves us with an opportunity to ask, "Who am I without the weeds?" "What do I want to plant on my landscape?" " How can I locate my wholeness and grow into my potential?" It leaves us with the opportunity to discover who we really are and what we are really made of, beyond our fears, stories, and limiting beliefs. This opportunity is an unfolding. We first find ourselves. We then choose who we wish to be. We then cultivate our vision of Self. In this article I'll be covering all three layers of unfolding our self-identity so that we can integrate into our fullest potential. FINDING I have good news. No one is a sum of their fears. No one is a sum of their defense mechanisms. No one is a sum of their limiting beliefs. While these qualities may be explicit in our behaviors and appear to be the "us" that others see and experience, we are made up of so much more. This "more" is what we explore as we seek to find our Self. Our true Self. As we peel back the egoic layers and go beyond the ego's best extrapolations, we enter into the essence of who we truly are. There is a part of our inner landscape, once the weeds are pulled, that is whole and complete. Beneath the weeds, you will find you are a tapestry of truths. We find ourselves by pulling the egoic weeds (the stories that turn into limiting and false beliefs, keeping us reactive and defensive) and connecting to the wholeness that our landscape inherently is. Once we find our wholeness, it can teach us the full truth about Ourselves: our core values, callings, gifts, strengths, inner virtues, and purpose. The heart of the finding stage is finding our wholeness beneath the weeds. If the wounding and weeds have become bigger than us, we may choose to work with a therapist through this process. CHOOSING Once the weeds are pulled and our landscape is clear, we have a ripe opportunity. What do we want to plant on our landscape? What do we want to grow? Who do we want to be? What do we want to activate? Answering these questions is where we find the freedom of our inner inheritance. We get to choose. We all have our own unique place, purpose, and essence to bring forward in our lifetime. We get to align. We all have inner virtues to tap into as inner possibilities. We get to activate. These are core questions and opportunities that rest at the heart of the choosing stage. In this stage, we can explore choice with the support and process of coaching and spiritual self-reflection. CULTIVATING Once we've chosen the inner garden we want to grow, we can begin cultivating our personal growth by attending to our inner landscape. If weeds sprout (and they will) and start choking off our rose bushes, we can pluck them. We can pull the weeds and plant new seeds. There is an adorable book that speaks to the cultivating space. In her book "Jesus in Blue Jeans: A Practical Guide to Everyday Spirituality," Laurie Beth Jones outlines how ducks have to preen their feathers with an oil to stay afloat on water with greater ease. People are no different spiritually, emotionally, and cognitively. To stay in growth and wholeness, we must cultivate a practice that helps us align with our wholeness and our true identity and helps us rise above hardship. The heart of cultivation is maintaining a dedication to self. It is living the unique success formula in life that we first find and then choose. CONCLUSION Within the heart of integration our wholeness is elemental at each unfolding. Our wholeness helps us locate and differentiate a weed from the self. Our wholeness helps us separate the inner truths from the illusions. Our wholeness helps us locate the path to our own unique healing journey. The integration process (finding, choosing, and cultivating) illuminates our life choices in ways that lead us toward our potential, not away from it.  Here it is! I've cracked the code on where to locate the exact recipe for your success. However, it may not be what you thought. Before we dive into the recipe, let's first reflect on the essence of a good recipe.
Over the weekend, I had leftover poblano pepper, coconut milk, and lime to use before they went sour. I thought, "Well, I understand the principles of cooking. Why not create a new recipe?!" A successful recipe is about finding the right food and seasoning combinations in the right amounts. Too much garlic could ruin an entire dish. Yet, the right amount brings the dish to life! It is the same in leadership and business life. Success does not come from a single ingredient; it is a recipe. One fact I've learned from coaching leaders, parents, and entrepreneurs for decades is that every human being has their own unique success formula. This truth is vital to understand because we can waste years of time, energy, talent, and money following other people's success formulas with disappointing results. We can't compare our way to true success. Comparing what we are doing against others can lead us quickly away from our success recipe. Instead of looking to others to provide your success, I invite you to go within. The formula for your success is within you. Have you looked deep enough? We also don't have a single success recipe, either. We have many. We can even add more recipes as we expand the depth and breadth of who we are in the world. In our coach training programs, we teach our coaches that they do not need fancy equipment to get started when they realize they are the equipment. In truth, you hold your own recipes. You are the chef. Here are three ways you can activate your unique recipe for success: 1) Locate self-development programs that bring your unique gifts and vision to life. Programs based on someone else selling you their road to success may or may not get you any results. A productive program will be based on two factors: 1) They teach you underlying principles that apply to all human beings (yes, you are unique, but we share a common humanity), and 2) The program has personalized agility to adapt to your uniqueness. How the principles show up to support you will be unique. A good program will bring you to life! 2) Look within for your answers. Your internal world is where your treasure is. Just like external diversities surround us, we have a rich world of inner diversity to tap into and activate. 3) Shift from external advice to internal coaching. Coaching is designed to activate all parts of you, especially those ready to activate. A professionally trained coach will help you cultivate new recipes and increase your internal wealth. You are a gift. Your life is a gift. There is no other you, and that is perfect. The world needs you and all of your unique recipes, now more than ever. Happy recipe-activating chef! |
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