What does confidence, imposter syndrome, leadership and retirement have in common? They all are centered around one thing. Self-Identity.

00:02
Laurel Elders
Hi everyone. Welcome to Coaching Equips, an exploration in human potential designed to equip coaches, future coaches, and coach-like leaders to develop their excellence in their coaching work. I'm um, Laurel Elders, founder of the Institute for Integrative Intelligence. I'm an ICF master certified coach and I got my start as a professional coach in 2005 when I officially became a coaching geek and have not looked back since. I have with me today. I'm so excited. Dr. Kristin Truman-Allen. She is a cherished senior faculty here at the institute, an outstanding executive coach and welcome Kristen.

00:42
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Thank you. Happy birthday.

00:44
Laurel Elders
Oh, thanks.

00:48
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
We have to say happy birthday. Since we're talking about identity, we have to talk about, you know, chronological stuff too. Right?

00:54
Laurel Elders
That's true. Yeah.

00:55
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Happy birthday!

00:56
Laurel Elders
Thank you! So today we are going to be discussing, self identity. And this is so it's such a deep and rich topic because to me coming at, self identity from a coaching lens. Right. I'm not a therapist, but as a coach where we help people grow, develop and self actualize, I've learned that self identity is so connected to confidence, purpose, relationships, personal fulfillment, cognitive well being and can even be connected to like imposter syndrome. So to me it's kind of this under the radar, not very much talked about aspect to reaching our potential.

01:43
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Under the radar and not talked about, but also core. I feel like it's the center of our decision making, of our presentation, our presence, choices, M and fulfillment.

01:59
Laurel Elders
Yeah, I love that. Yeah, Core. It really is core. Absolutely. And it's interesting too, just being a coach, leadership coach like that self identity is. Even if we're not talking about it, we're often coaching around it. Like what is true, what is not true, how do we get to the truth?

02:23
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Yeah. And it makes me think about transformation in general. If people are truly trying to transform their lives, how much of their identity are they hooked to that's keeping them from transforming or they're not connected to in a way that could propel that transformation.

02:45
Laurel Elders
Yeah, yeah. And you know, we often talk about in class like the uh, m aspect of finding ourselves. Like who am I really? Who am I really? Without my defense mechanisms and my fears and my limiting beliefs, who. Who is that person? But then in the coaching work and especially in integrative intelligence work, it's this aspect of how can I create who I want to be. There's an element of choice. M and an element of accepting. Well, wait, there's hardwiring. There's things about me as I'VE been born. That is, that's, that's part of who I am. And can I be self accepting?

03:28
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
I like how you're saying how I been born. Um, like there's a lot of. I live in Maine now and there are massive amounts of acorns all over the property. Or you got to be careful in the fall because you're like dodging them. They're hitting on the head. And it reminds me of like what we are born with, what's in us. And in a class, um, recently, one of the UM participants talked about coming home to like discovering and dusting off and, you know, where we come home to and that the information is all there. And so if we could find that identity the way it was maybe intended to be, what we came with, what we have, um, then the coaching is the process of finding it, unearthing it, nurturing it, whatever that is, fertilizing it to bring it forward so that it could fully, fully be expressed.

04:27
Laurel Elders
Yeah, right. Like I'm thinking of just nurturing it. And in coaching we were going to grow, so. Growing from that core space. Yeah. Really powerful difference. Well, in preparation for our conversation, because I was so excited to dive into this, because it's so, it's so rich, um, I was looking up some of the definitions. So Merriam Webster defined self identity as the sameness of a thing with itself. Another one was identification with someone or something outside of oneself. Oxford language defined it as the recognition of one's potential and qualities as an individual. And then Encyclopedia.com defined it as self concept. So, hello, there's a wide variety of definitions out there, which is pretty interesting to me. What do you think about that?

05:27
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Well, it makes me think of the question you have asked. I've heard you ask, um, around. Who are you telling yourself who you are? And also how did you ask it? Oh, the mental equation, like, what does that equate to? So my self identity, there's a story and there's a reason I'm telling that story, but also what does it equate to? And do I have some kind of attachment, um, or a judgment about what that's equating to. Which from a coaching perspective makes me think of when we're working with clients, our self identity becomes almost, um, lost or maybe redefined, uh, by everyone else's perception of what they should, what they think it should be or than what we think it should be. Um, that's what's coming up for me. Like how do we get to, or get our clients to that place of identifying what does this equate to and what now?

06:31
Laurel Elders
M. Yeah. And for those tuning in, um, this concept of mental equations, just to give it some definition. So mental equation is when we have a concept of a part of ourselves and we equate that core part of ourself with something. So for example, um, if as a leader I equate my self worth to money I make, if I equate myself to how much impact I have, you know, it could be anything. So being more conscious of our mental equations can help us see, wait, is that mental equation empowering me or depleting my energy? And they're often unconscious, not subconscious, but just they're, they can be operating in the background. And so I think that's the one thing I love about coaching is that self discovery process of oh my gosh, I hadn't realized I was equating this to that. Um, now I can shift that.

07:25
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
So true. In your book you talk about the identity being made up of environmental pieces, of cultural pieces, chronological pieces, um, stories that we've told ourselves. And um, you know, I think as we're celebrating your birthday, we're thinking also of okay, what was my self identity in my 20s, what was it in my 30s, what was it in my 40s? And um, it's an interesting activity to sort of make a list of all of those things, right? Like chronologically, um, all of those elements, environmentally, all of those pieces and what's been consistent across and what's evolved.

08:08
Laurel Elders
Yeah. Oh, I love that. And it, it's so true. I've been actually thinking because I'm heading into my 50s, so I'm thinking, well, who do I want to be in that decade? Right. Is there anything I want to really intentionalize around that and make sure it's showing up? Um, and even just shifting from that not so conscious state to just living more intentionally of what elements do we want to activate within ourselves? Right. And bring forward as we in whatever role we are, we're in.

08:44
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
What would you say about. Since we're, you know, you're talking about setting intentions, moving forward around self identity for transformation, what are your thoughts on what to let go of in terms of creating the spaciousness and the vacuum, um, or what might be getting in the way?

09:04
Laurel Elders
Mhm. One in integrative coaching, the first thing that we look at is what is not the truth. So as I mentioned, we're not our fears, defense mechanisms, limiting, um, beliefs so unhooking from anything that's not true as um, oh, that's an experience I'm having. That's not the truth of who I am or what is possible for me. So I see that as like a really core step one, and then the step two is like accepting, oh, okay, this is how I've been born. Um, so for example, I've worked with a couple of mentors that I am very introverted. I love teaching, I love socializing, but I'm very introverted. I need a lot of downtime. And at first I fought against that and I had a couple mentors that were like, no, you shouldn't limit yourself. And that, uh, what I found is that the more I fought against that, the more burnt out I got until I just embraced. This is who I am. This is how I'm wired. And once I like slipped into honoring it and self acceptance around it, I, it, it was a game changer. And then that third piece of, okay, so I know who I am, I know what I'm about now. Who do I want to be? Who do I want to make sure I'm showing up as? So that would be to me, like the third thing to really bring in.

10:35
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Yeah, I love your language of slipping in and honoring. Seems is so powerful when we're resisting, but we have to recognize we're resisting.

10:44
Laurel Elders
Yeah, yeah.

10:46
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
And if we're tied into a self identity that is. That maybe has been serving for a while unconsciously, then it would be really hard to resist that, to let go of it and. Or even notice that there's resistance of trying to shift into something different.

11:03
Laurel Elders
Yeah, yeah.

11:04
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Well.

11:04
Laurel Elders
And I was just. Actually we. I just put out an article on, um, you know, what happens when a self identity is. Is shifting. So for example, um, for me personally, I've really heavily identified with rock climbing as my outlet and kind of as who I am. And I didn't realize when I lost, um, I didn't have climbing partners when we moved and I was. So I was just felt this depression and my husband finally decided. He's like, I think you've lost a part of your self identity. And I was like, oh my gosh, that is exactly it. So as doctors, lawyers, athletes, coaches, when we have had something that has been a core part of us, and then all of a sudden we're retiring, we're shifting careers. How do we, how do we have that, that shift and still hold on to the core pieces of ourself? Anyway, I'd love your. Your thoughts.

12:10
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Yeah, well, I think recognizing so powerful that you had a partner who could identify it and. Or Mirror it for you and realize there's this gap, this thing missing, um, and not being, not having any judgment about whether that is a good or a bad identity. Right. Like it's just part of who you are and how you are fully expressed. And um, and I, I think I can relate from a. As you were talking, I was thinking about the multiple different kinds of conversations that I have that involve a little bit of identity for me because I am a parent of an adult child. So I have communities where these, you know, we're sharing stories about what it's like to have adult children and those parenting challenges and joys and what's different about that and how we parented at that time. And then I also have um, a daughter who's a senior in high school and a son who is a freshman in high school. So those, there's almost an identity in those separately based on the community that ends up around. Same thing with my middle schooler. And I'm a mother of a toddler. My baby will be almost 2. And so in these pockets of different communities, I'm having conversations that I have had before, but I've had that I'm having now, uh, freshly but with also parents that are brand new parents. And so they're also generationally in a different place and have a different kind of experience. And so I'm exploring what that identity is for me in terms of all each. Where does it fit those kinds of things? Right. Um, and what does that mean? And I don't know that there's an answer necessarily, but I think it's an example of an awareness of what, how do we, how are we defining ourselves? How, what is the story that we're telling ourselves and how does that inform the story that we're telling other people in the way that we're making connections and purpose in the world?

14:17
Laurel Elders
Yeah, yeah. Well, and how about more unconsciously, what are your thoughts on the connection between our self identity and confidence or imposter syndrome?

14:35
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Well, I think if we are practiced and have an identity with what we either prefer or we know, then it impacts our confidence. Right. Or if it's an identity that we think that is supported by society and so then there's all of this power behind it to stand in it and be confident with that identity and then if it's different than what you have believed or thought to be true or thought was valuable so we should come back to value. Right. Um, that impacts the confidence, but also imposter syndrome or that ability to feel your power.

15:23
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

15:26
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
I'm even thinking about, um, I feel confident as a parent, but I often still, as a parent of 20 year, 28 years, still feel like an imposter mom.

15:38
Laurel Elders
Interesting.

15:39
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Right? And I can be confident as a mom, but also feel like m. That is the equation around equating how I think other moms are in terms of their, um, capacity or ability or what I, what I think is valuable.

16:04
Laurel Elders
Right.

16:05
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Did the fact that I got food in the crock pot and did these things this morning and, you know, did that impact me as a, as a. What I do or I, who I'm being and how does that impact really anything in the story that I tell?

16:22
Laurel Elders
Yeah. Yeah. So interesting. When I've been thinking more about imposter syndrome, I, I just keep talking to more and more people that struggle with it. And I've noticed that in certain areas, I, if I step into a new area, I don't know if it's imposter syndrome, but it's definitely like, oh, my gosh, do I have what it takes? Am I the right person? Right. So these, these questions come up, and I was thinking about it through some of the integrative frameworks, and what came forward was a couple things to consider around imposter syndrome is sometimes we are legitimately, legitimately missing a skill. There's something that we need to learn to really step into something. And that imposter feeling can mirror that back that, oh, there, there is a gap that we could close. M. Um, um, but sometimes it's this lack of confidence in who I am and what I'm about. Am I enough, you know, that question. So it can also be really an internal process or both. Right? It could be both, which is also common. And I know a lot of leaders that talk about this, and especially the more we step, um, into greater, I should say, new territories, I think it's something that leaders can identify with. Yeah.

17:50
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
I was just thinking about how when we're looking at a, from a chronological perspective or even in cultural and environmental, I wonder how many times people don't question their ability in the very beginning when they're younger and they're moving and it's acceptable to be in this growth and learning space, but once there's this perception that they're supposed to already know or reached a certain capacity or have this certain kind of success cap that now I'm supposed to know, and it's not okay if I don't know. And what if, um, someone finds out that I don't know?

18:26
Laurel Elders
Right. Yeah. And transparency how much transparency do I bring around? My limitations? And yeah, there's so much to consider there, especially in leadership roles. I was also reflecting on when self identity can be an asset and when it can be a liability. Like when does the asset become a liability? Um, or how could we transform a liability into an asset? Mhm.

19:04
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
That question makes me want to look at it from a wholeness lens.

19:08
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

19:12
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
So if we've got. Yeah. If we've got something that we think is an asset and if it's. If we're just like any other strength, right. If we are overusing it, or um, is something else becoming weaker or if we've overused it now, is it becoming a weakness?

19:28
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

19:29
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Because it's either using it in the wrong context, using it, um, unconsciously or inappropriately, even though it's a strength. So from wholeness though, if we overlay that identity and look at it from the whole big picture, then where does that, an integration, where does that impact? Can we avoid impacting in a negative way?

19:59
Laurel Elders
Mhm. Yeah, that makes sense. And how aware are we of our own wholeness and operating through that wholeness versus, you know, fragmented. Right, the opposite of wholeness or uh, you know, integration versus disintegration. Fullness versus fragmented. So how aware are we of um, this is just a part of me and there's a whole, there's many parts to who I am. And how can we help these parts all come together as one? Because they're all connected. That's the thing. We can compartmentalize mentally, but in reality they're all connected. So how, how can I engage these different parts of me and at different times and have like, activate um, things within myself from that wholeness awareness.

20:51
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Yeah. And as you're talking about that, you're making me think of how important it is that we're. And from a coaching perspective, why we do this work from around the who and not the what. So if we're compartmentalizing, compartmentalizing and we're talking about our self identities, are our clients thinking of those as roles versus who they are and what they bring and how they show up? Right. Am I. Because if I'm thinking about my identity as my job, then I'm connected or attached in that way versus as a leader or as um, an evocateur or you know what I mean? Like someone who um, initiates change. Like who. Who am I being as opposed to? What am I doing? That conversation can impact our identity and create some clarity that brings that wholeness as a Through line.

21:53
Laurel Elders
Well, and that's where the transformation comes from. Right? In coaching we can't stay on the surface looking at logistics and invite transformation. It doesn't work that way.

22:03
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
It's going to be moving things around.

22:05
Laurel Elders
Right.

22:05
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Like pieces and yeah, yeah, let's move.

22:08
Laurel Elders
This stressful element over here and that. But nothing on the inside shifts.

22:13
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Right?

22:15
Laurel Elders
Yeah. I also think about um, self identity is what boxes have we put ourselves in. So thinking about the liability side, um, you know, I think for those, for those who know me, know that I was an atheist for years because I wanted a scientific explanation for everything. And then I had some experiences and it opened me up to, okay, there might be more to life than meets the eye, but what I noticed in that moment I, those years that I was in the box of I am an atheist. That's it, that's me, that's who I am. I wouldn't, I wasn't open to anything else. So I'd close myself off from um, something greater could be at play in life. So it was just really interesting to see, okay, what boxes have we put ourselves in and why? For me it was fear of the unknown. So looking back after some self reflection. But what, um, what I've noticed is that fear can put us in some pretty interesting boxes. And if we equate ourselves to those boxes, how we incidentally can limit ourselves, um, instead of being open to, oh, maybe, maybe there is something different here to look at. I don't know.

23:36
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Especially if we're trying to explore possibilities.

23:39
Laurel Elders
Yeah.

23:39
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Right. So as coaches or as leaders who are using a coach approach, if we're working with people who um, have kind of a boxed or compartmentalized or maybe an all or nothing approach, then how can we ask the right questions to be able to um, get to what's behind that, what's deeper in order to see a bigger possibility?

24:04
Laurel Elders
M. Yeah. Yeah. I'm wondering, are you seeing um, so maybe that's a spiritual example of how we could put ourselves in a box. Um, but any other ideas of what other areas um, do these boxes show up?

24:27
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Mhm. Well, I think even personally, um, being an executive in a corporate environment, that's a specific kind of box. Right. It's a specific kind of way of showing up. So then shifting to being the executive of my business as a stay at home mom, what's different about that and how do I carry myself different about that and what am I attached to in that court, in that corporate environment that could be a hook that keeps me limited, that limits My integration and expansiveness at home. Right. In the business at home, which was a big shift for a lot of people in, in the middle of COVID Right. When you shift to be at home and suddenly they're working with children and cats and dogs and partners. And like how do I, what happened to my professionalism? Like how do you know, how does this show up? What's my presence?

25:32
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

25:33
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Um, so I think that's an example of an awareness of where those compartments that we maybe weren't originally aware of, but how to find a way to continue to be who you are regardless of the box.

25:49
Laurel Elders
Right.

25:50
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
And it took a big huge stretch for a lot of people to be able to see it in a different way.

25:56
Laurel Elders
Mhm. Yeah, that's. That's really fascinating. And how has, how do you see your. In like your self, um, identity has evolved over the years.

26:11
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Just curious, how's my self identity evolved? Um, well, I think the through line has been, you know, I definitely tell myself that I am physical and um, connected to the environment and I do this outdoor kinds of work. My coaching, I prefer to be outside. Well, where that starts to get in my way is if that's not an option. So how do I. Am I not that if I'm having one on one coaching? No, I'm not. You know what I mean? Like I am still that and I'm still connected and I can still tap into the wisdom of those experiences. Um, so that's a through line like that has been consistent over time. This value for me that continues to show up and I'm more fully expressed when I can live that value outside. Um, but it doesn't mean that my capacity or my um, what's the word? Effectiveness is different. Not in that environment. Does that answer your question?

27:26
Laurel Elders
Yeah. Yeah. Because it's almost like you, you caught a box potentially and we're like, no, it doesn't need to be there.

27:34
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Right. If I can't do it outside, I'm not doing it at all. Well, that would be too much of a box.

27:40
Laurel Elders
Yeah.

27:40
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Right. But I think what we're getting to there in. I love the question. I'll give it some more thought. And how has my identity changed over time? Certainly. I mean I was an ER nurse, I had a huge ER nurse identity for a very long time and some loss when I let go of being a trauma nurse. Um, and there's still, there's still the essence of how I behave that is very similar to when I connect to other trauma first responders. There's A vibe that's still there and I can feel it. And I don't have to be attached to the title anymore because I can still be relatable and still connect because I'm aware of the vibration that is who that was for me.

28:28
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

28:30
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
So over time I let go of the title but brought the essence of. Okay, that is that vibration, that ability to, to be uh, an ex, know, um, a lot of things and have a lot of language serves me in other ways too. So how can that still be part of my identity in who I am? And that's a bunch of. Yeah, that's a lot of self awareness, a lot of self development work around who am I. Yeah. How do I, how do I show up? How do I want to show up?

29:06
Laurel Elders
Right. That, that. I just so appreciate you brought that forward because um, I know my husband and I have had a lot of conversations. So he's, he went into the military right out of high school. He's been in the military 23 years. Um, and the question of do I retire? This is who I am and what is going to happen when I shift into or out of the military. How, who will I be without it? Um, it's his way to contribute and give back and um, help support people. So it's a really fascinating journey of self. And I just. What I'm appreciating is you brought forward, you took the essence of um, what you experienced as emergency, um, RN nurse into and you brought it with you. I just, I just love that piece of wisdom right there.

30:01
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Well, I think it brings us to a conversation about values and that the values are at the core of that. Right. So um, if I look at chronologically over time, the different kinds of. And I've done this like made a list chronologically, what were my identities, what are my self identities at this time in my life and what were they here? And um, if the value that shows up consistently is about service and about freedom, for me, right. There's always movement, there's freedom, there's um, there's some health fitness pieces of that that involve um, yeah, just health. Right. Even as a nurse it was part of health. Like I, I might not identify as a nurse anymore, but I identify with um, healing and ways of healing and ways of being so that we can have a really lasting contribution in the world. So they're all connected. But I think part of that self identity gets lost if we're not true to our values. So doing the values work to figure out what is the value here and I've said that this was a value for me, but am I actually living a way that reflects that value that can help me as I let go of an identity? And my partner also just retired from, um, fire and policing in this first. And like. M, who am I now and how do I want to use this and contribute? Because both of these people that we're talking about are young and have lots of opportunity to contribute in a different kind of way. So how can they take all of this juicy stuff that they've learned in this part of their life and bring it forward as an identity and wholeness?

31:56
Laurel Elders
Mhm.

31:58
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
And be of service in the way that's authentic and unique for them?

32:04
Laurel Elders
Right. Like, the essence is still there, but it might take a different form. How can we channel that into something new and exciting? M. It also lights us up. Nice. Yeah. Well, thank you, Kristen. This has been so fun to explore with you, as always, and thank you everyone who's joining us. We really hope that today's exploration on, um, you know, self identity, confidence and the different ways it can show up in our lives has been a lantern to you on your path with your own potential. At the Institute, it's our mission to elevate human potential through the art and the science of masterful coaching. And if you're an individual or organizational leader seeking to bring coaches into what you do, please reach out. We have an outstanding team of coaches here ready to serve. Thank you, and we'll see you next time.

32:59
Dr. Kristen Truman-Allen
Thank you.