The Self-Mastery Myth

By Laurel Elders
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How often do you feel masterful? When does it seem to fade? When does the feeling shine? 

The concept of self-mastery is a focal point in coaching. A coach is hired to take a person deeper into their own wisdom and self-discover their wholeness and power, thus becoming more masterful. 

Yet, in our modern day society, there are many myths about self-mastery. Some internalized and some externally imposed. Today, we will explore what true self-mastery looks like and how to dispel the myths so that we can embrace the fullest version of our Self. 

The ego's version of self-mastery looks like this:

• I wake up early each morning refreshed, having slept well.
• I work out before I check my email. 
• I drink green tea in the morning to rev my positive energy. 
• I get the kids out the door without a hitch.
• I pray, meditate, and eat a healthy breakfast before starting another glorious day!
• I am happy, whole, and complete. 
• I can handle anything that comes my way.

 
Yet, the reality of self-mastery is much different. In reality, self-mastery looks more like this:

• I wake up with a heavy heart. I haven't slept well in a few days.
• My heart hurts as I make the bed. 
• I do not feel like working out. My energy is low.
• I ask myself: What is coming up? 
• I don't get a response. 
• I get the kids out the door, but it is a little stressful.
• I check on an art project I started in hopes of lightening my mood. My clay has cracked. All the hard work was for nothing. I exhale heavily. My sadness deepens.
• I recalled my self-commitment to doing some form of movement for a minimum of 12 minutes, four days a week. 
• I decided to honor that and do yoga instead of weight lifting so I could somatically move the heavy energy upon my heart.
• As I put on my yoga clothes, tears start to form.
• What is coming up? I have now received an answer. I've been feeling powerless in a few areas of my life. 
• I honor my feelings. I allow the tears. I ask myself, "Where else have you been feeling powerless?"
• I answer, and I answer until I feel complete. I don't judge what is happening. I give myself compassion. "Of course, you feel heavy. It makes sense." The tears stop. A sense of inner peace is restored.
• I begin yoga and feel my power returning. Awww, my power! I root in for the day.
• I am happy, whole, and complete.
• I can handle anything that comes my way.

 
The biggest myth about self-mastery is that we become perfect. Yet, perfection in the world of relativity is an illusion. Our lives, energy, and conscience are all subject to what we externally call chaos, but in truth, it is reality pulling at the strings of our interconnected nature. 
 
True self-mastery is responsiveness to what is. It is not forced or coerced. 
 
Here is some contrast to consider.
 
The Ego's Version of Becoming Perfect and Masterful:

• I wake up with a heavy heart. I haven't slept well in a few days.
• My heart hurts as I make the bed. I tell myself, "You have a great life. You should be happy and grateful."
• I do not feel like working out. My energy is low.
• I tell myself, "It is like Nike said – JUST DO IT. You will feel better!" 
• I guilt myself into putting on my workout clothes. 
• I get the kids out the door but feel edgy and tense.
• I check on an art project I started in hopes to lighten my mood. My clay has cracked. All the hard work was for nothing. I feel anger and tell myself. "Look, you are having a bad day. Let's turn this around! Go work out."
• I do weights to follow my schedule. I cover up whatever the heck was surfacing earlier.
• I take a shower and go to start my day. I feel a little numb but glad I did the ego's bidding. I tell myself, "You are on the right track. Good work."
• I am not entirely happy. I puff up to feel whole. 
• I can handle anything that comes my way by telling myself what is the right thing to do. My power is externalized. 

This teaching is at the heart of Integrative Intelligence. Integration means that we include all aspects of the whole—the "good," the "bad," the "ugly," and the "beautiful." We honor what is and don't override it. Integration is dynamic, not static or linear. It moves and transforms us. 
 
True integration happens as we look past the ego's linear thinking and include our fullest self. What is in our hearts is not the same as what the ego puts on our hearts. As we allow and invite our fullest self to guide us, we experience more extraordinary truths. 
 
I can't avoid feelings of powerlessness in hopes of finding my power. 
 
To fill a void, we must first enter it.

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